Change your Story – Change your Life
We are all storytellers, each and every one of us.
We all have back stories which to a larger part shapes our current story, the one you are living in now. The mass majority has the resources and opportunity each and every day to change their current story if it is ‘consciously chosen’ to do so. The minority has the opportunity as well, only it will not likely become reality. The minorities lack of resources combined with financial, cultural or religious evolution keeps the citizens firmly locked into their position of life.
How much do you like your story – the one you tell yourself? I am grateful to you for expanding your boundaries, rising to the occasion and showing others, including me, that it is possible.
Today is December 11, 2016. In thirteen hours and forty minutes my seventeen-year-old self will be fighting for his life while remembering the softball sized hole created by the .45 caliber bullet as it exited my fathers’ back. That distant self, a twenty-nine years ago self, will be crazed with uncertainty – wondering what has happened to his sister and his mom.
That was then and this is now, I am sure glad time and effort has allowed my perception of my story to change. The pain the memories are still there but they now enhance beauty and have allowed for a better understanding of life.
My day today is a special day, today I see the last pictures of my father, the ones never developed, the pictures of his funeral. There are three pictures in total, I had them developed a couple of months ago. Ever since I picked them up I have avoided writing this piece. I have kept myself busy in varied ways, some healthy, some not. Today is the deadline. Today is the day I see and feel what lies beneath.
It was different than I thought, anticipation and expectation were wrong, inner-self felt secure and steady when the pictures were reviled.
Emptiness is the first feeling felt from within. A feeling of the complexity of the events and surrounding emotions but no pain, anger, or hate. Followed by a feeling of Empathy for those who lives were irreversibly changed. Those individuals who lost their friends, husbands, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and daughters all at the hand of one individual. Rounding of the top three is a feeling of Sadness, I would much rather have my father sitting beside me on this park bench rather than writing to you about him now. I love and miss you dad.
The old 35mm film revealed many flowers arrangements, my family was deeply loved. Two of the three coffins bear military honors for service given. One of the coffins – platinum gray – has the most beautiful arrangement of flowers, they are a lilac purple and white, really feminine and contrast the platinum grey coffin exceptionally well. My fathers coffin- the only one open – has sunburst blueish white flowers with a big bow, the edge of the bow hovers above the blue of the Stars & Stripes which draped over his coffin, it reads Dad.
Michael Headberg Sr. looks good in a suit, must be why I fancy nice looking clothes and take pride in my appearance, it’s good story so I’ll stick with it.
It was really hard not going to the funerals. I had already tried to escape the hospital once before by ripping the chest tubes out of my chest and trying to get out of bed. I have no relocation of where I was going at that time and didn’t even make it out the door of my room, but after that attempt to flee, the nurses actually tied my wrists to the beds railing! There was now, no chance of escape at all. After the funeral was over, I learned from my mom that it was nice, many people were there speaking well of my father. No pictures were shown and it was never discussed again. I’ve been to my fathers’ grave a few times but for me it’s really a waste of space, there is nothing there other than a plaque bearing his name, a little speck of dirt serving as a reminder that he existed.
During the process of unpacking the box and writing of this blog and hopefully the subsequent book, I have learned a few things which lead to an understanding of other things. It is interesting what you see when you choose to look. The gift is even greater if you can do it without judgment or channeled perception.
For example, I learned many years’ later, that my Grandfather Bus and the entire side of my fathers’ family got up and walked out of the funeral directly after my fathers’ service, and prior to, my mothers’ parents service. At first thought, this seems a very nasty thing to do and indeed it was horrific but Grandpa’s only son had just been brutally murdered at the hands of my Mothers’ step brother. He blamed her and her side of our family. In his mind if Michael, his son , had married someone else then he would still be alive. He made a point of saying this statement to my mother at the funeral and when he left, when he left us all. From that moment forward he never offered any help to surviving parts of his sons family. When his son died, so did anything that was related to him. A couple years later Bus reached out and I reconnected with him. Regardless of what happened Bus was still my grandfather, my father would have wanted me to be a strong man and not harbor resentment, so that’s what I did.
Bus Headberg – My dad’s dad.
This thought process my grandfather had may indeed be true, then again it may not have been. Bus Headberg’s Emotional Relativity was desperately grasping to make sense of the situation. The back story he chose to reference – consciously or unconsciously – was that of loss. In a previous marriage, he had lost three sons, all triplets, two at childbirth, the other some short time later. Subsequently, he divorced his then wife, remarried and my father was born, a healthy baby boy.
My dads mom Margie, and my step grandfather Howard Stevens.
What is your back story? Have you had an idyllic life? Or perhaps you have arisen from struggle & strife?
My back story is one of creation, this event and all its consequences have allowed for a deeper understanding of my life. We are each just here for a bit and we are here forever. Every single thing we do has an effect on something else. There is no separation between the biological body you live in now, and the reality you currently exist in.
December 11th has come and gone and my piece is written. Now Christmas Eve, I am surrounded by people who truly love me while relaxing in the Caribbean, watching the ocean dance with the shore. It feels nice.
*We all link to something – choose to link to the unknown – an exciting or fulfilling connection.
My story, the one I am telling myself, is that this truth of who I am will contact those who need to know there are possibilities. Possibilities of happiness, possibilities of love, possibilities to live fully regardless of the circumstances that you may think define your life.
Copyright © 2016 Michael Headberg, All Rights Reserved.
“To be clear, you do not have permission to take material from my blog and reproduce it in any format.“