Within Victim or Victor – your choice
Stars twinkle in the heavens above, light stretching out for years, just to catch your gaze. Darkness is never the constant no matter how submerged we feel. See, turn your intention upward, inward demand the light be revealed.
Time is required to reach your heart, for each it is different when first we choose to see.
Peace to you, my brother, my sister, steadfast in knowing only love and light prevail.
The mind revels in victor but wrestles with victim.
Victor supports and inflates the ego, in victim the ego is abandoned.
Victor lifts up, celebrating control and fortitude. Victim pushes down, seeming to smother the essence of life itself.
Victor steps off the edge of a cliff on purpose, intent on flying, full of promise, stating to life – I can do this!
Victim is shoved off the cliffs edge, falling, scared, vulnerable, pleading WHY did this happen?
Some of the main differences between Victor & Victim are the events with which they are connected and how we perceive these events. In Victor, we celebrate and in Victim, we suffer.
Previously, I shared with you how, as a young man, I was shoved off that high cliff, seeing my father murdered, my mother was beaten and abused, the blood-splattered images of my grandparents decapitated by a hammer, and my own struggles with life after being shot repeatedly, left for dead, all at the hands of my uncle, my friend and fishing buddy.
Instantly a victim, I had no time to prepare, no time to process, a dramatic left-hand turn in my reality of life. Blame flowed effortlessly, first at (Jimmy), my uncle, then at my father for leaving me alone and finally at myself for living. The Victim blames and rightly so, a choice was made for you without your consent, free will was stripped away, carelessly, violently and without regard.
The victim stripped of ego, vulnerable and afraid reveals your true self. You become keenly aware of a choice, a choice to lay still, to blame, to die internally / externally or a choice to claw, fight and arise. This truest of state introduces you to the vulnerability of life. It is a slap in the face, a blaring alarm clock making you open your eyes and perceive the world differently. What you choose to do is completely up to you and no one else.
No matter what anyone says, the meaning of the event which created this state is completely in your hands alone. You are truly free, to decide what to do next, what meaning you want to own. I was bedridden for two and a half months, faced day in and day out with the horrid images stuck in a constant loop, begging the question “WHY”, as if somehow finding an answer would make the situation better, processable, maybe, just maybe, even bearable.
Pain in the body, pain in the heart, pain in the soul taught me the beautiful fragility of life. We understand that we are alive but often we do not comprehend that we are living. Every moment, every second we have a choice, do you consciously realize that?
The Navy Seals, an elite fighting force of the United States Government uses techniques called the “Big Four”. The training of (Goal setting, Mental Rehearsal, Self Talk and Arousal Control) provides the ability to delay signals from our amygdala, the oldest, most basic part of our brain. Allowing the prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of our brain, to evaluate the automatic, pre-programmed response consciously, prior to taking action. Simply put, we, as humans, are beginning to develop and understand the potential of our brain. We are learning how to choose, rationally viable decisions, in a split second, tweaking millions of years of evolution with the process.
Choice is a muscle, a muscle of the mind, in order to become strong and have endurance we must exercise this muscle. We first have to decide to make a choice, then we decide what to choose and through repetition, we focus on our positive and nurturing energy toward making it a belief, manifesting the outcome in our life.
As I lie in that hospital bed, bombarded with grief, sadness, anger, hate, self-pity, vulnerability and darkness I made a choice. The first of many choices which has propelled me down the path of life to my current location, here now, sharing with you.
That very first choice I made may seem simple to most, but it was extremely painful for me. The choice to just breath, take air in and expel air out, half of my right lung was gone and every breath in was torture, every breath out carried tears, knowing in just a second the torture would commence yet again. Over many painful weeks my lung became stronger, the realization of choice became clearer.
Now, every time, every single time, I look in the mirror my crisscrossed scars remind me of choice, the staples which held me together, my right nipple just a bit higher than my left, a feeling of a ragtag doll pieced back together hurriedly for a waiting child.
Life happens, as much as I dislike that statement, it is truth. We all know at our core there is love & light, evil & darkness in the world together, intermingled with only free will & personal belief separating which one impacts us most
My subconscious still wrestles with victim, even as I write this to you, there are still doubts about conveying my message of authenticity. Victimhood is a difficult state, one which never leaves you, it is always there, always present, reminding you of choice. That lowest of low, bottom of the pit feeling, surrounded by darkness, sometimes just breathing seems to take immense effort. The mind desperately grasping for some semblance of reason, the question of WHY bombarding every thought, movement, and sound.
Within my current story my victim now lies semi-dormant deep within my subconscious, prepared to transform into victor at a moments notice. It paints images of an externally perceived victory; a point where I will protect, defend and defeat those who wish to do harm of a violent nature to others. I am aware of these thoughts and emotions when they arise, I do not allow myself to get hooked into or focus on these thoughts or emotions; if I did they would play out in my head, change my state and ultimately my decisions which would result in undesirable consequences.
That space, that noise, is not where I choose to live.
Victory in Victim is a buried treasure, you have to chose to dig, dig deeply and often in that pit of despair with a resolve to uncover the insight. You have to decide to find the perseverance, clawing through the tears, releasing the unanswered questions, embracing the sadness and your own self-doubt in order to discover what lies waiting.
Copyright © 2016 Michael Headberg, All Rights Reserved.
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